New Blog

Hello readers! I wanted to let you know that I have started a new blog. My plan is to continue to write on this blog from time to time. This blog has been a great way to formulate my thoughts about anxiety and share them with a safe community of other writers.

However, God has been challenging me  to share my writing with the people in my daily life. So I’ve started a new blog for that very purpose.

You can follow my new blog here:

Pursuing a Sound Mind

Thanks so much!

-Hannah

The Healing Power of Beauty

“Beauty reassures us that goodness is still real in the world, more real than harm, or scarcity, or evil. Beauty reassures us of abundance, especially that God is absolutely abundant in goodness and in life… Beauty is such a gentle grace. Like God, it rarely shouts, rarely intrudes. Rather it woos, soothes, invites; it romances and caresses. We often sigh in the presence of beauty as it begins to minister to us— a good, deep soul-sigh.” -John Eldredge, Get Your Life Back 

When I read this quote, it resonated with me at a deep level. In his book Get Your Life Back (highly recommend!), John Eldredge suggests helpful practices for experiencing God in the midst of a chaotic and frenetic world. One of my favorite chapters was about the healing power of beauty. I have found beauty to be such a healing and powerful force in my own life.

I know from personal experience just how easy it is to lose sight of beauty. The past couple of weeks were an example of this. I felt like my soul just couldn’t catch up with all that was coming my way— constant news updates about the coronavirus, an insanely busy schedule, challenges to navigate at work, and complex situations in my personal life and relationships. I felt so profoundly aware of all that is wrong and broken in the world.

However, a few days ago, God gently reminded me that my soul was craving His beauty.

And I started to notice it again.

I recognized His beauty in the dear faces of my students laughing and playing at recess. I re-discovered His beauty in the dark silhouettes the trees made across the sky as I drove home from work.  I heard it in the beautiful harmonies of one of my favorite songs. And my soul felt back in sync with God and His goodness.

In a culture that seems to value efficiency, productivity, and usefulness above all else, simple beauty is often ignored. However, I think that beauty is actually very important to God. After all, He made a world that is absolutely teeming with beauty for us to enjoy and discover.

I think that appreciating beauty can look different for everyone. Since God has made us all so uniquely, we experience beauty in different ways. Personally, I experience God’s beauty most powerfully through nature, music, great stories, and relationships with others.

Sometimes God reveals His beauty to me in obvious ways— through a sunset at the coast, on a hike through the woods, or through an inspiring book or movie that captures my heart. However, God also reveals His beauty in more subtle ways— through the understanding smile of a friend, in the morning light streaming though my window, or in a simple melody I’ve always loved.

God’s beauty is all around us.

We just need to have eyes to see it and hearts to receive it as evidence of God’s grace and goodness.

Fixation

“What you give your attention to is the person you become. Put another way: the mind is the portal to the soul, and what you fill your mind with will shape the trajectory of your character. In the end, your life is no more than the sum of what you gave your attention to.”

-John Mark Comer, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry

I tend to fixate on things.

This can show up in positive ways  for me. For example, I love to nerd out about topics of interest and can spend hours researching about anything and everything. I am a learner who loves to understand every facet of a topic.

However, this also can be a challenging part of my personality. When I’m wrestling with anxiety, I tend to fixate on my fears about the future. I analyze everything that could possibly go wrong. I obsess about the problems in my life, including difficult relationships or challenging work situations. When I become absorbed in problems and anxieties, I miss all of the beautiful gifts that are right around me. And the Enemy steals my joy.

At the same time, I think the opposite is also possible. The Enemy can also distort our good and beautiful desires. Sometimes I fixate so intently on the blessings in life— on things like my job, my family, and other meaningful relationships. This can be a problem, especially when I start to view these things as necessary to my happiness, safety, or security. Good desires become ultimate desires. And that’s the definition of idolatry.

As a result, I was deeply impacted when I read the above quote by John Mark Comer.

Our attention is one of the most powerful resources we have. And the things we give our attention to really do define who we become.

Recently I was talking to someone about my tendency to fixate. While they agreed that fixation can be dangerous, they reminded me that it’s always safe to fixate on the Lord. In fact, He’s the answer to all of our other fixations.

When I fixate on the Lord, my anxieties and problems seem to melt away. I gain His big picture perspective and realize how much energy I’m wasting trying to analyze and control my own life.

And when I fixate on Him, I become less attached to the good things in life that I think I need to be happy. I realize that He’s the only thing that will every fully satisfy the deepest needs of my heart.

I’m reminded of Hebrews 12:2 which says, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…”

Jesus is the only thing worthy of our fixation. And if it’s true that our fixations shape who we become, I want Jesus to be my heart’s fixation above all others.

Becoming a Person of Love

“Claiming your own blessedness always leads to a deep desire to bless others. The characteristic of the blessed ones is that, wherever they go, they always speak words of blessing. It is remarkable how easy it is to bless others, to speak good things to and about them, to call forth their beauty and truth, when you yourself are in touch with your own blessedness.” 

Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved 

Henri Nouwen has always been one of my favorite authors and I just love this quote! It is so simple, but true.

The way I view myself profoundly impacts the way I treat others.

When I’m hard on myself, I tend to be hard on others. When I’m self-critical, I find myself leaking an attitude of criticism towards others. And when I focus on my flaws and mistakes, I tend to also notice the faults in others.

However, the opposite is also true. When I claim my own belovedness, I see the belovedness of others. When I know that God delights in me, I more readily delight in the people around me. And when I experience God’s unconditional love, that same kind of love flows out of my heart towards others.

Recently I’ve been struck by how Jesus’ identity was deeply rooted in His Father’s love. When Jesus was baptized,  His Father said, “This is my beloved Son with whom I am well pleased.” It is clear that Jesus’ ministry came out of a deep sense of security in His Father’s love. Love was the reason Jesus came to earth and the core motivation behind everything that He did.

Oh, how I want that to be true in my own life!

Lately I’ve tried to intentionally spend time in God’s presence simply letting God love me.

During these times, I’ll ask God to show me what He loves about me. I’ll accept His love even in the areas where I am broken and far from perfect. I’ll meditate on the love He showed for me when He died on the cross. And I’ll picture His love filling the empty places of my heart and overflowing to others.

I’m realizing that knowing about God’s love and actually experiencing it are two very different things.

I want to become a person of love.

And the first step is letting God love me.

Anxiety and Technology

The past couple of years, I have been considering how technology affects my anxiety. As I’ve become more mindful of my phone use, I’ve noticed a strong correlation between my anxiety level and the amount of time I spend online.

As I’ve pondered this, I’ve realized that we live in a culture characterized by information overload. There is so much digital content created every day and it can feel overwhelming to keep up with all of it. At the click of a button, we can learn about any news event happening anywhere in the world. On social media, we know intimate details about people we barely know in real life. And the amount of entertainment available at our fingertips is seemingly endless. As someone who struggles with anxiety, too much time online causes my already overactive brain to feel even more stressed and frenetic. Even more importantly, I’ve realized that an unhealthy relationship with technology hinders me from living life to the fullest in the real world.

As a result, I was deeply impacted by the following sermon by John Mark Comer from Bridgetown Church in Portland, Oregon. You can listen to it here:

The Case for a Digital Asceticism

I highly recommend his message. Honestly, he’s the only pastor I’ve heard dive deep into this issue. His message is so timely and relevant.

One of my greatest takeaways from John Mark’s sermon was the importance of developing a “digital rule of life”. Basically he suggests creating a set of rules and practices around technology in order to use it in a healthier way.

These are some practical steps that I’ve been taking to create my own “digital rule of life”:

Deleting unessential apps: First, I went through my phone and deleted many of my apps. I focused on the ones that regularly waste my time. YouTube was the first to go. I find that if I don’t have the app on my phone, I’m much less likely to spend time on the website. And if I do decide to intentionally spend time on sites like YouTube, I can use my laptop instead of my phone. I also consolidated my apps into a few simple categories so that my home screen is simple and less cluttered.

Putting boundaries around social media: I’ll be honest that I still struggle in this area. However, I’ve found it helpful to set time limits on my phone for social media apps (you can do this on the iPhone, but I’m not sure about other phones). I set a specific time limit for social media each day and then my phone turns off the app when I reach that limit. I’ve also found it helpful to take intentional breaks from social media when I notice that my soul needs it.

Turing off my phone: Sometimes I like to power off my phone completely. For example, when I’m at church or spending intentional time with God, it’s helpful to completely turn my phone off. When I’m spending one-on-one time with a friend or family member, I try to leave my phone in my purse so that I can be fully present with them.

I also love John Mark’s idea of “parenting your phone”. This means putting it to bed in another room each night and turning it back on the next morning only after spending time with the Lord. I recently bought an old fashioned alarm clock to wake me up (so I’m not dependent on my phone’s alarm). I’m excited to make this a part of my daily practice.

Limiting TV and movies: About a year ago, I stopped regularly watching TV. And it’s been one of the best decisions of my life. I discovered that TV was probably the biggest time-waster in my life. I hated the restless feeling I had after binge-watching a TV show. I also noticed that the twisted perspectives and worldviews of many TV shows were affecting me more than I realized. So I just decided to stop.

At this point, I’ll occasionally watch a movie or a single episode of a quality show. But I’m much more selective about what I watch. And if I do watch something, I try to include a friend or family member so that we can discuss what we’re watching together.

Keeping beneficial technology: I want to be clear that I don’t think all technology is harmful. In fact, I’ve found that certain types of technology actually enrich my life. For example, I absolutely love streaming music on Spotify.  I also get so much value from podcasts and listen to them daily. I use WordPress to express my thoughts creatively and to read the writing of others. I’m also a big fan of Pinterest. I regularly use it research topics of interest and find new and creative ideas. And I don’t know how I’d survive without the maps app on my phone!

We are all so different and so finding a healthy relationship with technology may look very different for each of us. What is beneficial for you, may be unhealthy for me. And what is life-giving for me, may not be helpful to you.

Therefore, I would encourage you to simply ask the Lord about your relationship with technology and be open to trying what He says.

Since I am very in process with this, I would love to hear from any of you. Have you noticed a correlation between technology and anxiety? What are some practical ways that you put healthy boundaries around technology?

Dealing with Disappointment

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

-Proverbs 13:12

I’ve been thinking a lot about the power of disappointment. As human beings, God has made us with deep desires and longings. We are hardwired to hope for what is good. However, we also live in a fallen world where all is not as it should be. As a result, many of our dreams and ideals are never fully realized.

We all get disappointed.

In my personal life, I’ve noticed that disappointment is a word that has come up for me in many different seasons of my life. I’ve realized that disappointment is one of the main strategies the Enemy uses to hinder my relationship with God. I know from personal experience just how easy it is to get stuck there.

Therefore, instead of acting like a victim of my disappointment, I’ve been asking God to show me healthier ways to navigate the losses in my life. These are some tools He has taught me for dealing with disappointment:

Healthy grieving: I believe it’s important to grieve our losses. And it’s okay to feel sad. In fact, it’s absolutely necessary. We can’t truly get to the other side of disappointment without facing it head on and allowing ourselves to feel the pain.

In his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazerro talks about the importance of embracing grieving and loss. His perspective has been so helpful to me. He writes:

“Our culture routinely interprets losses as alien invasions that interrupt our normal lives. We numb our pain through denial, blaming, rationalizations, addiction, and avoidance. We search for spiritual shortcuts around our wounds… Sadly the result of denying and minimizing our wounds over many years is that we become less and less human, empty Christian shells with painted smiley faces.”

As Scazerro points out, grieving is both necessary and Biblical. Two-thirds of the Psalms are laments of grief. The Bible even describes Jesus as a “man of sorrow”and “acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). Part of being like Jesus is embracing grief and loss. I’m learning that grief isn’t just an annoying interruption to my life that I need to quickly pass through. Instead it’s an important process that has the potential to shape me, grow me, and deepen my intimacy with God. It is always safe to grieve in the presence of God. And there is something so intimate and comforting about letting God grieve my disappointments with me.

Refusing self-pity: There is such a difference between grieving and self-pity. In my experience, grieving draws me closer to God and His comforting love. In contrast, self-pity distances me from God and from others. When I dwell in self-pity, I start to doubt God’s goodness and guidance in my life. I compare my losses to the people around me and feel like no one can understand what I’m going through. Self-pity isolates me from the love of God and the very people who want to help me. Hannah Hurnard writes about self-pity in her book Kingdom of Love. She says:

“There is no prison house so cruel as the prison of resentment and self-pity, and the effect on those who languish long in that bondage is to suffer a progressively destructive influence on character, personality, and physical health.”

What a sobering truth. Self-pity has the potential to destroy me from the inside out. Therefore, I must actively refuse self-pity when I find myself dwelling there. 

Re-kindling desire : In seasons of disappointment, it’s tempting to shut down the heart. Chronic disappointment has the potential to harden us. It’s so tempting to kill our desires in an effort to avoid future pain. However, this is not the way to live. I love John Eldredge’s perspective in The Journey of desire. He says:

“The greatest human tragedy is to give up the search. Nothing is of greater importance than the life of our deep heart. To lose heart is to lose everything.”

It takes courage to keep hoping and desiring. But it’s so necessary. I never want my current disappointments to keep me from believing in what God can and will do in my future. Disappointment gets me in touch with my deep desire for God and for heaven. One day all will be restored and made right. And it’s good to desire that.

Thanking God for what is: When I get stuck in disappointment, I focus on what is missing. I obsess about the missing puzzle piece, while ignoring the rest of the picture. As I’ve mentioned before, gratitude and thankfulness are such powerful practices at times like this. When I shift my focus from what’s missing, I see all the gifts and blessings that surround my life. And even more importantly, I see the gifts and blessings that have entered my life through my disappointments. God loves to take even the worst situations that the Enemy intended for evil and transform them into something beautiful and redemptive. 

Looking for new appointments: Recently I was talking to an older and wiser woman about her experience with disappointment. She suggested that the “dis” words (like disbelief, discouragement, and disappointment) are all strategies of the Enemy. God’s invitation to each of us is the opposite of those words. For example, in our disbelief, God wants to give us deeper belief. When we feel discouraged, God wants to give us deeper courage. And when we feel disappointed, God invites us into new appointments.

I just love this perspective. Rather than seeing disappointment as a dead end, I can view it as a door to something new. When I feel disappointed, I’m learning to ask God, “What is my new appointment?” God won’t leave us stuck in disappointment. Whenever something ends, God invites us into something new.

Death means that resurrection is coming.

Endings mean that there are new beginnings.

And disappointment means that there is a new appointment.

We just need to have eyes to see it.

Obedience

A couple of years ago I had a conversation with my mom about my social anxiety. At that point, my anxiety was at it’s worst and I felt profoundly aware of how much it was limiting my life. As I talked to her, a startling thought came to my mind:

I realized that my world was shrinking.

I was missing out on opportunities because of fear and my world was getting smaller and smaller.

Recently I was thanking the Lord for His healing in my life. Although social anxiety is still a struggle for me, it no longer defines my life. As I was thanking God for this, I realized that my world is no longer shrinking. In fact, it is expanding day by day.

I considered what brought about this change and I realized a key component. God has been teaching me the importance of practical action.

As someone who wrestles with anxiety, it is so easy to get lost in my head analyzing, wondering, and planning. I can have great thoughts and ideas. However, if I never act on them, I get stuck.

The last couple of years, I have been on a journey of learning to simply obey what God asks me to do. And honestly, it hasn’t gone perfectly. I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way and learned some things the hard way.

However, I’m realizing that each small step of practical action builds upon itself. Every time I try to do what God says, even if it scares me, I become a bit braver.

And I’m more ready to say yes the next time He asks me to do something.