Social Anxiety and Community

This is something I’ve wanted to write about since I started this blog. However, I just now feel like I can put my experience into words. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, finding a place in Christian community has always been challenging for me.

A couple of years ago, when my anxiety was at its worst, I became sporadic about attending church. I wanted to be at church so badly. In fact, I remember multiple Sundays when I drove myself to church, but just couldn’t get myself to go inside. This was a really dark and isolating season for me. I felt a lot of shame and as a result, I isolated myself even more from people.

God graciously brought me out of that dark place and has freed me from the bondage of social anxiety. I am now a part of a church once again and that has been such a blessing.

However, finding community is something that I still wrestle with. I want to share with you some of the ways that the Lord has helped me in this process. If you struggle with social anxiety, I pray that some of these ideas might encourage you. And even if this is not a struggle for you, I hope that my story might open your eyes to people in your own community that struggle in this area. May you be equipped to see those people and support them.

Asking God for his perspective: This was definitely the most foundational step for me. I think that one of the reasons community has been hard for me is that I’ve had painful experiences of rejection and exclusion by other Christians. As a result, for many years I had a negative association with the word “community”. At one point, God challenged me to ask for His perspective on this.

He reminded me of the beautiful, self-sacrificing love shared by the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. They are the true model of what perfect community looks like. Since I am made in the image of God, I desperately need community — to know and be known by others. Community is a beautiful gift as God originally created it.

However, God also reminded me that because of the Fall, community is far from what it should be. Since we are fallen human beings, sometimes we hurt one another. Sometimes we fail to see each other’s needs. Sometimes we exclude and leave each other out. I know that I’ve been guilty of each of these sins in my own life. God challenged me that my frustration wasn’t with community, but with the way that we as humans have messed it up.

Now this doesn’t mean that I just reject the whole concept of community and isolate myself. Rather I need to adjust my expectations of what community looks like here on earth. I need to give people grace to be human and mess up.  I also need to give myself grace when I hurt the people around me. Therefore, I’ve consciously decided to not allow my disappointment or disillusionment to get in the way of embracing the beauty to be found in community with others.

Focusing on God’s presence: This idea might sound strange, but when I’m walking into church, I like to visualize God’s presence entering with me. Sometimes I feel lonely attending church as a single person with my family living far away. I think that this is a common experience for many people. This feeling of loneliness is often heightened seeing so many people sitting with their families. Therefore, it’s helpful to remember that I’m not alone. God’s presence is always with me and supporting me.

Getting my eyes off myself: This is huge. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, I can be way too self-focused. When I enter a group of people (especially people I don’t know well), I become very aware of myself. I worry about being awkward or knowing the right things to say.

God has graciously showed me the freedom of getting my eyes off of myself. When I enter a social situation, I’ll ask for God to give me special “appointments” with people. I think God has blessed me with an acute sensitivity to people who feel lonely or are on the fringes. I actively look for those people and see how I can bless them or make them feel welcome.

God also has encouraged me to find ways to serve. About a year ago, I started teaching Sunday School at my church and that has been so life-giving for me. Although I can feel anxious leading adults, I am incredibly comfortable in front of children. This has brought me so much joy. And it’s been great to form relationships with the other adults that I teach with.

Looking for smaller communities: Although I think it’s important to meet with the whole Body of Christ, God has shown me that my deepest sense of community will always be experienced in a subset of the larger community. Therefore as much as possible, I look for small group or one-on-one settings.

I’m a part of a small group at my church and that has been so life-giving to me. Although it’s still stretching for my introverted personality, I’ve learned so much from being a part of that group.  In my experience, community is different from friendship. We choose friends based on shared interests and perspectives. However, I love the way that being a part of community forces me to interact with people very different from myself. I see God’s image reflected in unique and beautiful ways in people I might not normally choose to be friends with on my own.

I also have found so much joy in embracing community with one person at a time. While big groups of people exhaust and overwhelm me, I come alive in one-on-one settings. As an introvert, God has showed me that I’m wired for depth more than breadth of relationship. Therefore I put a lot of time and energy into one-on-one relationships with people.

Embracing the gifts of my personality: I’ve spent a lot of my life wishing that I could be different than I am— that I could be loud and extroverted, that I could command a room of people, or that I could have a charismatic and charming personality. However, the truth is that simply isn’t how God has wired me.

I’ve found so much freedom in embracing my personality and celebrating the gifts I have to offer as a quieter, more introverted person. For example, God has given me such a heart for people who are lonely and anxious. I am a good listener. I am highly empathetic. I reflect deeply on things which gives me wisdom and insight to offer to others.

Rather than trying to be someone I’m not, I’ve found it so freeing to embrace the gifts God has given me and look for ways to offer them to my community.

I’d love to hear from you! What struggles have you faced in community? How has the Lord been at work in this area of your life? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

16 thoughts on “Social Anxiety and Community

  1. Thank you, Hannah!
    Your post reminded me how much the world is filtered through our fears.

    I always felt being unattractive was THE reason for my social anxiety,
    and if I could somehow become attractive, it would disappear.

    Yet you are still suffering, even though you ARE beautiful.

    Perhaps I fixated too much on that aspect.

  2. Great post! I relate to your anxiety. I feel exposed when speaking about real things even within a small group. I have shared in larger groups but have had a lot of prayer coverage and think that must be the difference — prayer. One on one is my favorite way of sharing with others too.
    And then there is blogging. I don’t know about you but I sorta held my breath for the first year or so every time I published a post. I think this all must have to do with the fear of acceptance. I’m afraid of how others will perceive my writing. Have I made a mistake that I didn’t catch? etc. etc.
    I’m glad God has freed you in many ways. Thank you for sharing. What you have written will be helpful in helping others. God bless you! 🌸

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I so related to that fear when I first started blogging as well.
      Sharing in larger groups is also challenging, but I agree that prayer makes the seemingly impossible to be possible. Thanks for your encouraging words!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I like the idea of God entering with me into church. Although I am a married woman most of the women in my church have children so I always feel awkward because I can’t have them. I also am not really good at chit chat and prefer to have long and deep conversations (the introvert in me). On top of all this I have been through some tough trauma so I kind of always feel like at any moment someone is going to hurt me so I’m always a little skittish when people want to get close.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I so relate to preferring deep conversations to chit-chat. It must be an introvert thing. 🙂

      I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that struggles in this area. Praying God meets you and you sense his presence at church with you when you are with these women. Again, thanks for sharing so honestly!

      Like

  4. Great post Hannah. I am thankful to God for your freedom. I used to hide and stop people from getting close so that my flaws would not be revealed. I am learning to just be myself around God’s people. I don’t need to pretend or try to be perfect. Another thing that helps me with social anxiety is focusing on God’s presence upon me and who I am in Christ. I feel confident knowing God is with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love that! Yes, I agree that much of the core issue is not wanting people to see my flaws. It is amazing how freeing it is to focus on who we are in Christ. Thanks for sharing!

      Like

  5. It’s a blessing getting to know you, Hannah😊. As a younger adult, I considered myself ”painfully shy.” I wasn’t familiar with the term introvert, and social anxiety wasn’t a known condition. Although I am still an introvert by nature, God has helped me, for the most part, to overcome my feelings of social anxiety. There are certain situations when I become anxious and fearful, but He gives me peace and strength to carry through. Knowing this about myself is just one of the ways God keeps me dependent on Him, and that’s a good thing! God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

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