Vulnerability and Courage

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

-Brene’ Brown, Rising Strong 

In an earlier post I wrote about vulnerability and how it has been an important tool in fighting my social anxiety.  However, the more I practice vulnerability, the more I realize how much courage it takes to be truly known by people. I’m learning that vulnerability is risky business and that practicing vulnerability carries no guarantees.

Vulnerability often begets deeper connection, empathy, and intimacy.

However, vulnerability can also result in rejection, disappointment, and pain.

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with what to do when I risk vulnerability and it doesn’t work out.

I think that for people with social anxiety, experiences of rejection are especially painful. In moments of rejection, it’s so tempting to shut down the heart and vow not to risk vulnerability again.

However, I know that this isn’t the way God intends for us to live.

God intends for us to live in community with others— to know and be known. Although relationships can lead to hurt and disappointment, they are also one of the most powerful ways that God brings healing to our lives. Vulnerability is truly worth the risk.

It takes courage to get back up after a disappointment. 

But I’m determined to keep practicing vulnerability, even when it’s painful.

Social Anxiety and Vulnerability

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” 

-Brene’ Brown, Daring Greatly

I can honestly say that vulnerability has been one of the greatest keys to battling social anxiety in my life. However, when I initially identified social anxiety, my first instinct was to avoid vulnerability at all costs.

For people who struggle with social anxiety, vulnerability is especially terrifying. After all, social anxiety centers on a fear of being seen, known, and rejected by others.

Additionally, I know from personal experience that people who struggle with social anxiety tend to also battle shame. And shame likes to stay in the dark. However, the interesting thing about shame is that it loses its power when it is brought into the light. I’ve found this to be so true in my own life.

I remember feeling so overwhelmed by my social anxiety. I felt stuck and trapped. Honestly one of my greatest fears was that someone would find out about my anxiety. It made me feel defective and unworthy.

However, one day I mustered up the courage to talk about my anxiety with my counselor. Next, I talked with each of my family members. Not long after that, I let several of my closest friends and a dear older mentor in on my struggle.

Although this didn’t immediately fix my anxiety, I felt so much lighter. I now had people lifting me up in prayer. I also was touched by how each of these people responded to me. Rather than condemning or rejecting me, they expressed deep love, empathy, and compassion. Their gracious responses reflected to me the love of Jesus which was exactly what I needed to combat the shame that I felt.  That was such a gift.

Although I believe that vulnerability is an important step in battling social anxiety, I would like to give a word of caution. Vulnerability is a powerful force that must be used carefully. As research professor Brene’ Brown wisely suggests:

“Share with people who have earned the right to hear your story.” 

When I was in the midst of my struggle, it wasn’t wise for me to share about my social anxiety with anybody and everybody. I only shared with people whom I truly trusted and knew would respond with empathy and understanding.

Vulnerability can be so terrifying, but I have become convinced that it is such a powerful tool for healing. I have also discovered that it is such a powerful tool for connection. Over the past couple of years, I have been amazed at how God has used my vulnerability to give others a safe place to share their own vulnerability and pain.

Vulnerability begets connection and that is such a precious gift.

Social Anxiety and Perfectionism

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.” 

-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

I’ve come to the realization that perfectionism is perhaps the greatest root of my social anxiety. Perfectionism has been an unwanted friend of mine for as long as I can remember.

As a child, perfectionism was apparent in my immaculately clean room. When I felt stressed or out of control, I found myself constantly reorganizing my room. Suddenly all of my books needed to be in alphabetical order or my closet needed to be organized by color.

Perfectionism stayed with me in my years as a student. I was so tied to getting a 4.0 GPA and did everything I could to maintain that. I remember my dad actually challenging me to purposely get a “B” in one of my college classes because he was concerned about my addiction to perfectionism!

Perfectionism also impacts how I approach social situations. I’ve realized that I tend to avoid social interactions if I don’t think that I can handle them perfectly. I’d rather simply not go to an event if I won’t know most of the people there or if awkward situations are likely to occur. Unfortunately, I realize that this has caused me to miss out many potentially beautiful and life-enriching opportunities over the years.

About a year ago, God challenged me that my “all or nothing” mentality was holding me back. He encouraged me to approach social situations with a 70 percent mindset, rather than the perfection-driven 100 percent mindset I naturally adopt. As a result, I’ve started to say yes to more opportunities and social situations while giving myself permission to handle them imperfectly. I’d rather move forward in my life and keep growing than stay stuck because I’m afraid of failing.

As God’s been stripping away this pattern of perfectionism from my mind, I’ve had some powerful realizations. First of all, I’ve noticed how much deeper and meaningful my relationships have become. I think that it’s actually harder to connect with people when I’m trying to perform perfectly. As human beings I think that we are more attracted to the imperfections and broken pieces of each other than the perfect facades that many of us try to keep up. As Brene Brown suggests in her book The Gifts of Imperfection (a book I highly recommend!), letting ourselves be seen in our vulnerability and imperfection is what actually connects us to one another.

I’ve also realized that when I fail, I’m going to be ok. My identity and value as a child of God are not centered in handling every social situation perfectly. God loves me simply because He loves me, not because of the way I perform. I have become intimately and personally acquainted with the extravagant grace of God.

That is why I chose the title of this blog: “grace to be imperfect”.

It’s true. There is grace to be imperfect.

And I’m starting to believe that truth more and more each day.