Beloved

“Long before any person spoke to us in this world, we were spoken to by the voice of eternal love. Our preciousness, uniqueness, and individuality are not given to us by those who meet us in clock time— our brief chronological existence— but by the one who has chosen us with an everlasting love, a love that existed from all eternity and will last through all eternity.”

-Henri Nowen, Life of the Beloved 

I just love this book and the beautiful truth that is described in this quote.

As Christians, we are the beloved of God.

However, I’ve found from personal experience that it is much easier to know this truth than to actually live like I believe it.

I think that one of the greatest roots of my social anxiety is a fear of rejection. In my opinion, rejection is one of the most painful experiences that we can have as humans. We were created by God for love and connection and that is why rejection is so incredibly painful. 

In my research about anxiety, I’ve learned that most people who struggle with social anxiety can pinpoint specific memories (usually in their teenage years) where they felt rejected, excluded, or unwanted.

As I’ve sought healing in my life, God has taken me back to specific memories of rejection and exclusion. I’ve tried to identify the lies I started to believe about myself through those experiences. Sadly, I’ve realized that I’ve allowed fallen human beings to speak my identity over me, rather than my perfect heavenly Father. 

Over the past year or so, God has been taking me on a journey of reclaiming my own belovedness. I’ve set aside a lot of time this year to intentionally focus on scriptures about His unconditional love for me. In the process, God has started to reveal to me my true identity as child, friend, and beloved of God.

Along the way, something surprising has happened. My capacity to love others has increased. There is a strong correlation between the way I view myself and the way that I judge others. It’s hard to truly love others when I’m viewing myself harshly or with self-criticism. As I’ve come to believe that God truly loves me just as I am, regardless of how I perform or measure up, I’ve realized that the same is true about other people too. And this profoundly impacts the way I see and treat the people around me.

Reclaiming my own belovedness frees me to call out the belovedness in others.

What a beautiful gift!

Brokenness

“We have to dare to overcome our fear and become familiar with it. Yes, we have to find the courage to embrace our own brokenness, to make our most feared enemy into a friend, and to claim it as an intimate companion.”

-Henri Nowen, Life of the Beloved

I absolutely love this quote and have been deeply impacted by its truth. My natural inclination is to simply avoid the brokenness in my life because facing it is just too painful. However, the Lord is teaching me that the journey to healing involves facing my brokenness and even befriending it.

A couple of years ago, I identified a new area of brokenness in my life:

Social anxiety.

Although social anxiety had been a struggle for me for many years, it reached a new level of intensity a couple of years ago. In the past, I had attributed my extreme discomfort with unknown social situations to my introverted personality. However, as the symptoms of my anxiety kept increasing, I began to wonder if my difficulty was more than introversion. One day I started researching everything I could about social anxiety. I was shocked to read my personal experience described so succinctly and clearly. I also took a detailed online test that suggested I had “marked social phobia”.

This realization was incredibly overwhelming for me. Honestly, I felt a lot of shame about my anxiety and didn’t want people to know about my struggle. I also felt sincere regret as I realized how many opportunities I had missed because of my anxiety.

At the same time, I actually felt relieved to have language to describe what I had dealt with for so many years. I also was comforted to learn that I wasn’t alone. As I researched about social anxiety, I learned that 18 percent of the US population battles anxiety disorders and 7 percent of the population struggles specifically with social anxiety. This showed me that social anxiety isn’t a unique struggle, but rather a challenge faced by a significant percentage of people.

Additionally, as I gained courage to open up about my anxiety with trusted friends and family members, I was shocked to discover how many people in my life also struggle with anxiety. It was encouraging to see how God used my brokenness to offer understanding and hope to others with similar struggles.

God has brought so much freedom to me in this area. But this freedom hasn’t been easy. It has required facing the deeper reasons and roots beneath the surface of my anxiety. I’ve had to be vulnerable with the people in my life and let them in to help me. I have started seeing a counselor for support. I’ve also had to put myself in situations that stretch me way beyond my comfort zone.

Even after all of this work, anxiety is still a struggle in my life. Social anxiety is no longer my constant experience. However, It does pop up from time to time, especially during seasons of stress and change. I would rather write about something that is completely healed and no longer an issue. However, I feel compelled to write about this even though I am still a work in progress.  God is bringing freedom into my life day by day and I’m excited to share my journey from brokenness to greater wholeness.